Edited to fit screen

Mini Movies: That Hamilton Woman

Enter left Lord Olivier as Lord Nelson into his sumptuous cabin on the poop deck of his flagship, HMS Crown Victoria. Lord Nelson looks shit-awful: he has what is obviously a transparent eyepatch on his right eye and has apparently – it’s called acting – lost an arm. And he has also acquired a curious accent he seems to have picked up during a watering stop in Malta.

Nelson: “This place smells awful!”

Hardy (a strapping aide de cabine played by Stewart Granger): “It’s the poop, milord.”

Nelson (fidgeting with eyepatch): “Filthy business. Can’t the crew just relieve themselves over the side?”

Hardy: “Not on a naval warship of this configuration, milord. Will milord be having breakfast?”

Nelson: “No, Hardy.I’m expecting Lady Hamilton by skit from Naples so I’ll just sit here and work on my accent and perhaps chew on a bit of scenery.”

Hardy: “Skiff, milord, skiff.”

Nelson: “Don’t be so bloody finicky, Hardy. You know it annoys me. Is this eyepatch on straight?”

[As he speaks Vivian Leigh enter right as Lady Hamiliton, all frilly and silly and deep into her Scarlett audition]

Nelson: “Ravishing!”

Hardy; “Thank you, milord. And Lady Hamilton is here.”

Nelson (whirling theatrically): “Welcome, my dear.”

Lady H.: “This place smells. What have you been feeding your crew? And you seem to have lost your arm, you silly man.”

Nelson:”Nonsense! It’s bound up to my waist under the specially tailored waistcoat of an Admiral of the Fleet. It’s called acting. Am I right, Hardy?”

Hardy: “Milord.”

Lady H. “Oh, poo. You navies are like schoolgirls; you always stick together.”

Nelson: “Eh? Well said, milady. Well said, eh Hardy?”

Hardy: “Milord.”

Nelson: “And did milady enjoy her morning ride on my dingy?”

Lady H.: “What are you implying, sir?”

Nelson (chuckling): “You know, the old rough and tumble tossing from Naples and back. You’ve been there before, eh, Hardy?”

Hardy: “Milord.”

Lady H: Why, you loathsome man! I would never, with a preening one-armed poof like you….”

Nelson: “I told you, the arm, it’s called acting. And you, you vile piece of southern shit, why don’t you hoist up your soiled knickers and get back into the skit.”

Fade to black

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