Derek Jeter, Lord and Savior

Playing By The Book

Derek Jeter, as we all know, has now reached almost divine status, right up there in the Nelson Mandela, Elie Wiesel and George Clooney neighborhood. He could in fact stand in for Jesus himself if the occasion arose.


At his birth, the angels were heard singing, “Holy God, We Praise Thy Game” until interrupted by Bob Sheppard intoning from on high “Now batting, Number 2: Derek Jeter. Jeter, marana tha!”

Around the manger were Ozzie Smith, Slats Marion and Honus Wagner wearing an ox suit.

Derek when asked about the story of his answering the rabbis at age twelve: “My dad took me out in the yard and threw everything he had at me. I was ready”

Derek emerging from the Jordan at his baptism hears a voice from on high, “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” He replies: “Thank you, Mr. Torre. I’ll try my best.”

The temptation in the desert (condensed): Satan: “Damn Yankees!” Derek: “I want to wear that jersey forever.” Satan slinks off to his cubicle in the Commissioner’s office.

Derek at the marriage feast of Cana: “I have no plans myself. And as for the wine, if my mom wants a drink once in a while, that’s OK with me.”

Derek to the paralytic: “Rehab is difficult. You’ve just got to stay with it.”

Derek’s Sermon on the Mount (excerpts): “Am I better than Ripkin? I leave that up to the fans to decide…Yes, like the Father, I have many mansions, including a knockout in Miami, but there’s nothing wrong with being poor, God bless ‘em.”

Derek to the woman with the flux of blood: “There are good days and bad days. You just have to play through them.

Derek at the woman taken in adultery: “You can hurt your arm if you throw off your back foot like that.”

Derek seated between Moses and Elias at his Transfiguration: “I played with a lot of great guys.”

Derek at the triumphant entry into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday: “It’s not about me. It’s all about the Twelve and winning.”

Derek at the Last Supper: “It been a great season. This one’s on me guys.”

Judas (Matsui?) kisses Derek in Gethemane: “I try to avoid this kind of thing and stay focused on the game.

Derek to Pilate: “I don’t think this is a good time to talk contract renewal. Next question.”

Derek to the Good Thief (Robinson Cano) on the cross: “Listen, everybody has slumps. I found that extra batting practice helps.”

The women who go to anoint the body of Derek discover to their dismay that he’s already checked out.

Derek ascending into heaven as the team watches from the pitcher’s mound on the Mount of Olives: “Don’t worry. I’ll be there on Opening Day.”

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